A co-worker gave me an interesting piece of advice the other day:
"Don't get divorced. Getting divorced costs more than getting married."
August 21, 2011
March 17, 2011
5 Steps to a Healthy, Lasting Marriage
Wisdom from Whole Living magazine's March 2011 issue:
5 Steps to a Healthy, Lasting Marriage
Can you build a happy, lasting marriage by the numbers? Research suggests these five strategies will boost your chances.
1. Create Rituals
Married couples who celebrated religious holiday traditions together were happier in their unions, a 2001 study reported. Researchers found that the shared emotional investment in the ritual made the couples feel a closer bond.
2. Be a Daredevil
In a study of more than 100 American couples, those who reported "being in a rut" during their seventh year of marriage also showed low satisfaction in year 16. Those who were not bored in year seven were still going strong nine years later. Researchers said the couples who pursued exciting activities together (safari? skiing?) were more satisfied overall.
3. Sleep (Well) Together
Men who slept better at night were more likely to feel positive about their relationship the following day, according to a University of Arizona study. And couples who reported the highest quality and hours of sleep per night also had the happiest unions.
4. Support Each Other
In a Northwestern University study, those who believed that their partners encouraged their "ideal achievements" reported higher marital satisfaction -- and it wasn't just about helping him become a rock star or her become a top doctor. When a spouse felt supported even in daily obligations, he or she was significantly happier in marriage.
5. Build Your Career
Couples in dual-career marriages who enjoyed their working lifestyles were happier in their marriages, even if they had to work long hours, according to Ball State University data.
5 Steps to a Healthy, Lasting Marriage
Can you build a happy, lasting marriage by the numbers? Research suggests these five strategies will boost your chances.
1. Create Rituals
Married couples who celebrated religious holiday traditions together were happier in their unions, a 2001 study reported. Researchers found that the shared emotional investment in the ritual made the couples feel a closer bond.
2. Be a Daredevil
In a study of more than 100 American couples, those who reported "being in a rut" during their seventh year of marriage also showed low satisfaction in year 16. Those who were not bored in year seven were still going strong nine years later. Researchers said the couples who pursued exciting activities together (safari? skiing?) were more satisfied overall.
3. Sleep (Well) Together
Men who slept better at night were more likely to feel positive about their relationship the following day, according to a University of Arizona study. And couples who reported the highest quality and hours of sleep per night also had the happiest unions.
4. Support Each Other
In a Northwestern University study, those who believed that their partners encouraged their "ideal achievements" reported higher marital satisfaction -- and it wasn't just about helping him become a rock star or her become a top doctor. When a spouse felt supported even in daily obligations, he or she was significantly happier in marriage.
5. Build Your Career
Couples in dual-career marriages who enjoyed their working lifestyles were happier in their marriages, even if they had to work long hours, according to Ball State University data.
February 27, 2011
Keep up the good work
My new neighbour at work and I are the same age and grew up within the same 5km radius, coincidentally. We've peeked out of our cubicles to chat enough that I know that he and his wife are smack dab in the middle of the same thick as we are - raising young school-aged children. My post-dismissal phone conversations (or rants, rather) with my kids are eerily familiar to him, I'm told.
During the usual "What are you doing this weekend?" Friday exchange, he shared that he was taking his wife out to dinner after work and needed to find a good florist near the office. He doesn't know how she does "it", but she deserves the evening out for everything she does to keep the family machine running. This led to a great convo about marriage, books we've read about it, and how to be a good partner. He is aware that their individual emotional needs differ from each other, made the effort to learn what hers were, and works to meet them. It creates a healthy balance where she is satisfied and happy to reciprocate.
Gold star to you, neighbour, for still striving to be a good husband in your seventh year of marriage. Keep up the good work.
During the usual "What are you doing this weekend?" Friday exchange, he shared that he was taking his wife out to dinner after work and needed to find a good florist near the office. He doesn't know how she does "it", but she deserves the evening out for everything she does to keep the family machine running. This led to a great convo about marriage, books we've read about it, and how to be a good partner. He is aware that their individual emotional needs differ from each other, made the effort to learn what hers were, and works to meet them. It creates a healthy balance where she is satisfied and happy to reciprocate.
Gold star to you, neighbour, for still striving to be a good husband in your seventh year of marriage. Keep up the good work.
January 30, 2011
I Wish I'd Known...
I discovered Focus On The Family on our local Christian radio station on the way to work last year and have made a habit of listening to some of the broadcasts online. Very digest-able 25-minute segments, offering advice and testimony about a variety of family-related issues. It was through this resource that I discovered Gary Chapman's latest book, Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married. He appeared on the show to talk about the book, and while I haven't read it yet, I already know that this is right up my alley.
If you're getting married, establish who's going to clean the toilets, because if your dad did it when you were a kid and his mom did it when he was growing up, that toilet may never get cleaned.
In my own experience, even little things like the expectations at the dinner table and bathroom sink etiquette were something we stumbled through in the beginning. But for many couples, I would imagine the build up of all these little clashes eventually creates a toxic and resentful home.
When you have a moment (I often just plug my earphones into my PC at the office and listen while I work), take a listen:
Building A Strong Foundation For Your Marriage - Part 1 of 2
Building A Strong Foundation For Your Marriage - Part 2 of 2
If you're getting married, establish who's going to clean the toilets, because if your dad did it when you were a kid and his mom did it when he was growing up, that toilet may never get cleaned.
In my own experience, even little things like the expectations at the dinner table and bathroom sink etiquette were something we stumbled through in the beginning. But for many couples, I would imagine the build up of all these little clashes eventually creates a toxic and resentful home.
When you have a moment (I often just plug my earphones into my PC at the office and listen while I work), take a listen:
Building A Strong Foundation For Your Marriage - Part 1 of 2
Building A Strong Foundation For Your Marriage - Part 2 of 2
February 17, 2010
The Five Love Languages
Author, pastor and speaker Gary Chapman leads you through the five main ways that you and your partner best express love for one another:
- Words of Affirmation
- Quality Time
- Receiving Gifts
- Acts of Service
- Physical Touch
It's about choosing to understand your mate, making the effort to show your love for them in the way that they best receive it, and how weak marriages can be re-born and strong marriages even better. I realized what keeps my husband's and my love tanks full, as well as those of my children and keeping this knowledge in the back of my mind daily has helped me in my effort to be a good wife and mother.
Read this book! It's incredibly easy to apply the ideas Dr. Chapman shares, and while he is a pastor, it is not at all preachy. Whether your marriage is stuck in a rut or is sailing smoothly, you will value the advice. And when you're done reading it, pass it on.
January 12, 2010
In Sickness
I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and health...*
The words you say at your wedding - the vows, the declaration of consent, the prayer, etc. - are worth some serious reflection every so often in the time leading up to the big day and after you've gotten married. I'm going to keep saying it: this is no joke. I grew up watching soap operas with my grandmother and older sisters and loved the romance of the big, fancy staged weddings. But real marriage is hardly romantic. I was disappointed to hear radio commercials last week for the local bridal show exclaiming, "If you can get through the wedding, you can get through anything!" Silly is an understatement.
Signs of a strong marriage can be observed at times of adversity. When you're at your worst...when you're poor...when you're sick.
In recent years as an adult, a spouse and a parent, I've developed a clear understanding and appreciation for my father's effort and struggle while my mother battled leukemia when I was ten years old. And in the last year I have witnessed this same kind of unconditional commitment in several married couples living with serious illness. It is both inspiring and daunting - Would I be that strong? Would I make the right decisions? How would I juggle everything with a brave face?
A common denominator in the marriages I observed is shared faith. When you're both looking at your situation with the same brand of trust, the journey is more focused, smooth and less distracted. But ultimately I think it becomes more about how good a person you yourself are, and hopefully you have committed to a person who lives The Golden Rule and would be just as good a person for you. Most of the time, only one of you is sick and while that one is fighting illness, the other is carrying the load of pretty much the rest of your shared world. Someone still has to pay the bills, water the grass/shovel the driveway, do the groceries, make the lunches, etc. But even with all that aside, that person becomes the first point of contact with hospital staff, taking a crash course in neurology, oncology, or surgical procedures and, in turn, the primary spokesperson for family and friends. And then, of course, some become the caregivers, the doctors themselves. There are late nights, sleepless nights. It is a cocktail of exhaustion, fear and confusion but if you try really hard you can add hope, perseverence and faith into the mix.
This could happen when your marriage and/or kids are still young, or it could arise thirty-five years into it. Are you up to it? Are you willing to give all of yourself and all the love you have to your spouse when they feel hopeless and approach depression? When their physical appearance has been permanently altered? When their mental capacity has been compromised? When their pain has stolen their smile?
It's at these ugliest of times that marriage can be its most beautiful.
*from the Catholic declaration of consent
**from the Apache marriage prayer
Now you will feel no rain, for each of you will be shelter for the other.
Now you will feel no cold, for each of you will be warmth to the other.**
The words you say at your wedding - the vows, the declaration of consent, the prayer, etc. - are worth some serious reflection every so often in the time leading up to the big day and after you've gotten married. I'm going to keep saying it: this is no joke. I grew up watching soap operas with my grandmother and older sisters and loved the romance of the big, fancy staged weddings. But real marriage is hardly romantic. I was disappointed to hear radio commercials last week for the local bridal show exclaiming, "If you can get through the wedding, you can get through anything!" Silly is an understatement.
Signs of a strong marriage can be observed at times of adversity. When you're at your worst...when you're poor...when you're sick.
In recent years as an adult, a spouse and a parent, I've developed a clear understanding and appreciation for my father's effort and struggle while my mother battled leukemia when I was ten years old. And in the last year I have witnessed this same kind of unconditional commitment in several married couples living with serious illness. It is both inspiring and daunting - Would I be that strong? Would I make the right decisions? How would I juggle everything with a brave face?
A common denominator in the marriages I observed is shared faith. When you're both looking at your situation with the same brand of trust, the journey is more focused, smooth and less distracted. But ultimately I think it becomes more about how good a person you yourself are, and hopefully you have committed to a person who lives The Golden Rule and would be just as good a person for you. Most of the time, only one of you is sick and while that one is fighting illness, the other is carrying the load of pretty much the rest of your shared world. Someone still has to pay the bills, water the grass/shovel the driveway, do the groceries, make the lunches, etc. But even with all that aside, that person becomes the first point of contact with hospital staff, taking a crash course in neurology, oncology, or surgical procedures and, in turn, the primary spokesperson for family and friends. And then, of course, some become the caregivers, the doctors themselves. There are late nights, sleepless nights. It is a cocktail of exhaustion, fear and confusion but if you try really hard you can add hope, perseverence and faith into the mix.
This could happen when your marriage and/or kids are still young, or it could arise thirty-five years into it. Are you up to it? Are you willing to give all of yourself and all the love you have to your spouse when they feel hopeless and approach depression? When their physical appearance has been permanently altered? When their mental capacity has been compromised? When their pain has stolen their smile?
It's at these ugliest of times that marriage can be its most beautiful.
*from the Catholic declaration of consent
**from the Apache marriage prayer
December 15, 2009
Well Said
"This isn't a competition; this is a collaboration."
- Barack Obama
"Walk through the struggles. Start out with somebody that you respect and that you trust so that when you hit the bumps that are inevitable you always have that foundation...I really like you...it's hard to stray too far, or to stay mad too long when the person you're with is somebody you like."
- Michelle Obama
- Barack Obama
"Walk through the struggles. Start out with somebody that you respect and that you trust so that when you hit the bumps that are inevitable you always have that foundation...I really like you...it's hard to stray too far, or to stay mad too long when the person you're with is somebody you like."
- Michelle Obama
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